1
00:00:00,352 --> 00:00:02,152
Just make up an excuse
2
00:00:02,187 --> 00:00:03,937
and get out of jury duty, Jess.
3
00:00:03,961 --> 00:00:06,328
- Please, I need you.
- No, Nick.
4
00:00:06,352 --> 00:00:07,843
It's a right and a privilege.
5
00:00:07,859 --> 00:00:09,826
In South Africa, they
don't even have juries.
6
00:00:09,861 --> 00:00:11,608
They have a-a judge and two assessors.
7
00:00:11,633 --> 00:00:13,299
God, I would have bullied you as a kid.
8
00:00:13,335 --> 00:00:15,368
Jury duty is supposed to be a sacrifice.
9
00:00:15,403 --> 00:00:16,970
Would I like to be at work right now,
10
00:00:17,005 --> 00:00:19,428
participating in the Spirit Week assembly?
11
00:00:19,453 --> 00:00:20,476
Yeah, I would.
12
00:00:20,501 --> 00:00:23,023
I've turned in some memorable
performances in the past.
13
00:00:29,017 --> 00:00:30,984
But it's just one day...
you'll be fine without me.
14
00:00:31,019 --> 00:00:32,952
Now that Cece and Schmidt are engaged,
15
00:00:32,988 --> 00:00:36,445
she's here all the time,
and her stuff is everywhere.
16
00:00:36,470 --> 00:00:37,929
Okay, yes, she's a hot slob.
17
00:00:37,954 --> 00:00:40,637
Ever since she got boobs, people
stopped making her do stuff.
18
00:00:40,662 --> 00:00:42,896
No, no, no, no, no, no, no,
no, that is not an excuse.
19
00:00:42,931 --> 00:00:45,318
When I first grew boobs,
people started handing me stuff,
20
00:00:45,343 --> 00:00:47,267
and I got messy, but
then you got to grow up.
21
00:00:47,302 --> 00:00:49,269
- Not the same thing.
- They're just boobs.
22
00:00:49,304 --> 00:00:51,271
I promise you, tonight when
I get back from jury duty,
23
00:00:51,306 --> 00:00:54,164
I will explain it to her in
a way that she'll listen to,
24
00:00:54,189 --> 00:00:56,676
unlike your way, where
she'll rip your dingle off
25
00:00:56,711 --> 00:00:58,912
and sew it back on your
head like a unicorn horn.
26
00:00:58,947 --> 00:01:00,079
She doesn't even live here.
27
00:01:00,115 --> 00:01:01,609
She never signed our loft agreement.
28
00:01:01,634 --> 00:01:03,396
She doesn't even know all the rules.
29
00:01:03,421 --> 00:01:05,185
(laughing): Hi. Look at you.
30
00:01:05,220 --> 00:01:06,753
You look so cute.
31
00:01:06,788 --> 00:01:08,922
(chuckling): Thank you.
32
00:01:08,957 --> 00:01:10,601
CECE: Love this top.
33
00:01:11,375 --> 00:01:13,810
Jess, Nick needs to stop telling
that wet pants story, okay?
34
00:01:13,835 --> 00:01:15,862
- I know.
- I've heard it four times this week.
35
00:01:15,897 --> 00:01:18,131
So I take a hot glass
out of the dishwasher,
36
00:01:18,166 --> 00:01:20,279
I pour cold water into it,
37
00:01:20,304 --> 00:01:21,968
then the customer picks up the glass,
38
00:01:22,003 --> 00:01:23,369
and the bottom falls off.
39
00:01:23,405 --> 00:01:24,704
- Oh, that's crazy.
- For real?
40
00:01:24,739 --> 00:01:26,105
NICK: He looks down, and he goes, like,
41
00:01:26,141 --> 00:01:27,807
(Italian accent): "Oh, my pants are wet."
42
00:01:27,842 --> 00:01:29,676
(laughing)
43
00:01:29,711 --> 00:01:32,612
I know, he-he needs to shape that story.
44
00:01:32,647 --> 00:01:34,013
I don't know how you live with him.
45
00:01:34,049 --> 00:01:35,615
He is the most obnoxious...
46
00:01:35,650 --> 00:01:36,883
WINSTON: Knock it off. (indistinct arguing)
47
00:01:36,918 --> 00:01:38,051
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
48
00:01:38,086 --> 00:01:39,320
Stop. Stop it. Knock it off.
49
00:01:39,345 --> 00:01:40,453
Jess, are you cool with me hanging
50
00:01:40,488 --> 00:01:42,288
this groundbreaking poster
51
00:01:42,324 --> 00:01:44,053
of dogs playing poker on the wall?
52
00:01:44,078 --> 00:01:45,625
Jess, please tell him that he cannot hang
53
00:01:45,660 --> 00:01:47,527
- this horrible painting.
- I really have to go.
54
00:01:47,562 --> 00:01:48,995
I think it's hilarious...
they're playing poker.
55
00:01:49,030 --> 00:01:50,140
Rather see a painting
56
00:01:50,165 --> 00:01:51,864
of Arnold Schwarzenegger, mid-coitus.
57
00:01:51,900 --> 00:01:52,865
(grunts)
58
00:01:52,901 --> 00:01:54,400
Just straight up doing it.
59
00:01:54,436 --> 00:01:55,868
Let's talk about the painting tonight.
60
00:01:55,904 --> 00:01:57,264
Uh, do nothing till I get home.
61
00:01:57,289 --> 00:01:58,204
Do nothing till I get home.
62
00:01:58,240 --> 00:01:59,826
Do nothing till I get home.
63
00:01:59,851 --> 00:02:00,540
SCHMIDT: Bye-bye.
64
00:02:00,575 --> 00:02:02,041
- Bye.
- Okay. - Yeah.
65
00:02:02,375 --> 00:02:03,409
NICK: That's my guy.
66
00:02:03,445 --> 00:02:05,037
Is it me, or is Cece really...
67
00:02:05,062 --> 00:02:05,857
BOTH: Messy.
68
00:02:05,882 --> 00:02:06,865
Yes.
69
00:02:06,890 --> 00:02:08,014
(scoffs) Dude.
70
00:02:08,049 --> 00:02:09,771
I love it when we say things at...
71
00:02:09,796 --> 00:02:11,417
- Same time.
- the same time.
72
00:02:11,453 --> 00:02:12,852
Just... just... we're right there s...
73
00:02:12,887 --> 00:02:14,687
R-Right there s...
74
00:02:14,723 --> 00:02:16,089
- Wait.
- When we say things at the...
75
00:02:16,124 --> 00:02:17,924
- same... time.
- Same... time.
76
00:02:17,959 --> 00:02:19,359
Okay, now you're getting
in your head again.
77
00:02:19,394 --> 00:02:20,281
Just relax.
78
00:02:20,570 --> 00:02:22,595
Remember the thing about
Cece being really...
79
00:02:22,631 --> 00:02:24,197
BOTH: Messy.
80
00:02:24,232 --> 00:02:26,032
- And we say things at the same...
- The same...
81
00:02:26,067 --> 00:02:27,433
See, you're getting in your head
because you're going quieter.
82
00:02:27,469 --> 00:02:29,035
- Just go with your gut.
- (groans)
83
00:02:29,070 --> 00:02:31,031
- Isn't Cece really... messy?
- This is fun. Messy.
84
00:02:31,056 --> 00:02:32,772
-'Cause we say things at the same... time.
- Time.
85
00:02:32,807 --> 00:02:34,437
- I'm done with you.
- I had it.
86
00:02:34,547 --> 00:02:36,671
Synced and corrected by Chitorafa
www.addic7ed.com
87
00:02:39,014 --> 00:02:40,980
88
00:02:43,985 --> 00:02:45,918
- Trying to get out of jury duty?
- Excuse me?
89
00:02:45,954 --> 00:02:47,179
The way you're dressed,
90
00:02:47,204 --> 00:02:48,636
like you're in a school
play about old people.
91
00:02:48,661 --> 00:02:50,279
You want the judge to think you're crazy.
92
00:02:50,601 --> 00:02:52,158
These are my real clothes,
93
00:02:52,193 --> 00:02:54,594
and I would never try
to get out of jury duty.
94
00:02:54,629 --> 00:02:57,429
It's not just a right;
it's also a privilege.
95
00:02:57,609 --> 00:02:59,912
And who are you to talk about clothes?
96
00:02:59,937 --> 00:03:01,328
You're just wearing a blue suit.
97
00:03:01,353 --> 00:03:02,859
Oh, call Milan.
98
00:03:03,148 --> 00:03:05,281
Notice I'm not calling Milan.
99
00:03:05,473 --> 00:03:06,383
Wow.
100
00:03:07,309 --> 00:03:08,242
I'm sorry.
101
00:03:08,267 --> 00:03:10,264
I actually agree with you.
102
00:03:10,289 --> 00:03:11,511
Can we start over?
103
00:03:11,546 --> 00:03:13,012
Can I buy your coffee for you?
104
00:03:13,048 --> 00:03:15,615
- Herbal tea, and make it a big one.
- You got it.
105
00:03:15,650 --> 00:03:16,983
- (cell phone rings)
- Oh, excuse me.
106
00:03:17,018 --> 00:03:18,055
Yeah.
107
00:03:19,796 --> 00:03:20,853
Oh, hey, Nick.
108
00:03:20,889 --> 00:03:23,023
I just met the other only person in America
109
00:03:23,048 --> 00:03:26,192
who cares about jury duty,
and he's a gosh-damn dreamboat.
110
00:03:26,227 --> 00:03:27,627
Jess, we have an emergency.
111
00:03:27,662 --> 00:03:29,262
Cece's washing her clothes,
112
00:03:29,297 --> 00:03:30,963
and I can't even get down the hall.
113
00:03:30,999 --> 00:03:32,609
She's built a laundry dam.
114
00:03:32,634 --> 00:03:34,967
- Well, can't you just step over it?
- No time.
115
00:03:35,003 --> 00:03:36,836
You know I need to go
straight from the bathroom
116
00:03:36,871 --> 00:03:38,471
to the kitchen. It's a blood sugar thing.
117
00:03:38,506 --> 00:03:40,673
WINSTON: Hey, Jess, it's
your roommate Winston Bishop.
118
00:03:40,709 --> 00:03:44,110
Isn't it amazing how a frame
can elevate already great art?
119
00:03:44,145 --> 00:03:46,179
Winston, don't hang that
picture till I get home.
120
00:03:46,214 --> 00:03:47,947
And I would talk to Schmidt about it,
121
00:03:47,982 --> 00:03:49,515
but it's like he can't even see the mess.
122
00:03:49,551 --> 00:03:51,351
It's like he's love-blind or something.
123
00:03:51,386 --> 00:03:53,632
Oh, man, I've never been
this happy in my entire life.
124
00:03:53,657 --> 00:03:54,787
I got to tell you, you guys,
125
00:03:54,823 --> 00:03:56,789
Cece and I just had shower sex.
126
00:03:57,703 --> 00:03:58,391
Don't.
127
00:03:58,426 --> 00:03:59,304
Did he just kiss you?
128
00:03:59,329 --> 00:04:01,179
Why does he act like
the Pope when he's happy?
129
00:04:01,204 --> 00:04:02,929
I guess I'll just talk to Cece myself,
130
00:04:02,964 --> 00:04:05,318
and I'll tell her she's a disgusting beast,
131
00:04:05,343 --> 00:04:07,066
and she'll have to listen to me
'cause I'm the man of the house.
132
00:04:07,102 --> 00:04:08,901
What?! No, no, no!
133
00:04:08,926 --> 00:04:10,578
Do not talk to Cece.
134
00:04:10,603 --> 00:04:14,006
Also... everything you just
said was offensive. Everything.
135
00:04:14,042 --> 00:04:16,008
Do not talk to Cece.
136
00:04:16,044 --> 00:04:18,478
Ignore every natural instinct you have.
137
00:04:19,796 --> 00:04:20,880
What's up, dude?
138
00:04:20,915 --> 00:04:23,249
Hey, you mind if I steal Jess for a second?
139
00:04:23,284 --> 00:04:24,717
Be careful. The screen's cracked.
140
00:04:24,742 --> 00:04:26,084
- You might cut your face off.
- Yeah.
141
00:04:26,109 --> 00:04:28,435
NICK: Hey, Jess, I'm gonna
give you to... to Winston.
142
00:04:28,460 --> 00:04:29,355
Uh...
143
00:04:29,391 --> 00:04:31,054
I just have to step over the...
144
00:04:31,859 --> 00:04:33,760
I'm not sure how I'm
gonna get over the... Here.
145
00:04:33,795 --> 00:04:34,794
Just...
146
00:04:36,798 --> 00:04:38,947
Uh, just... here, come on.
147
00:04:39,634 --> 00:04:41,033
(grunts triumphantly)
148
00:04:41,069 --> 00:04:43,302
Tell her I got over. Tell her I'm okay.
149
00:04:43,554 --> 00:04:44,904
Nick says he's fine.
150
00:04:44,939 --> 00:04:46,454
Hey, uh, Jess?
151
00:04:46,775 --> 00:04:49,990
If one were to put a hammer through a wall,
152
00:04:50,015 --> 00:04:51,411
what would one do?
153
00:04:51,446 --> 00:04:52,445
I actually have to get going.
154
00:04:52,480 --> 00:04:54,080
- Hello? Je...
- Uh, I got to go. Bye.
155
00:04:54,115 --> 00:04:55,125
It was really nice to meet you.
156
00:04:55,150 --> 00:04:56,749
Oh, nice meeting you, too.
157
00:04:56,785 --> 00:04:58,184
Um, I'm Jess.
158
00:04:58,219 --> 00:04:59,285
And you are?
159
00:04:59,320 --> 00:05:00,286
It's on the cup.
160
00:05:00,321 --> 00:05:02,288
Oh. (laughs)
161
00:05:02,323 --> 00:05:03,890
"Daniel." (chuckles)
162
00:05:03,925 --> 00:05:05,725
And your phone number. That's a cool move.
163
00:05:05,760 --> 00:05:07,860
Yeah, it was a cool move, huh?
164
00:05:07,896 --> 00:05:10,696
165
00:05:10,732 --> 00:05:12,832
You disgusting beast.
166
00:05:15,429 --> 00:05:16,435
SCHMIDT: Hey, Nick.
167
00:05:16,460 --> 00:05:18,232
Did you leave your cereal out?
168
00:05:18,257 --> 00:05:19,605
You need to clean up after yourself.
169
00:05:20,204 --> 00:05:21,843
Shared living space, bro.
170
00:05:23,254 --> 00:05:24,420
I can't do it.
171
00:05:24,445 --> 00:05:25,388
Schmidt, I can't do it.
172
00:05:25,413 --> 00:05:27,405
You can clean up the
cereal. Just go put it away.
173
00:05:28,535 --> 00:05:30,959
There's no cereal here; it's
in the kitchen. Go clean it up.
174
00:05:30,984 --> 00:05:33,132
Open your eyes, open your
eyes to what's happening.
175
00:05:33,157 --> 00:05:36,122
You already sleep in
a mud dungeon. Please...
176
00:05:36,157 --> 00:05:37,557
Cece's a hot slob.
177
00:05:37,592 --> 00:05:39,592
Cece, you're a hot slob.
178
00:05:40,628 --> 00:05:41,928
- What?
- I'm sorry, what?
179
00:05:41,963 --> 00:05:44,096
Look around, her stuff is everywhere.
180
00:05:44,132 --> 00:05:45,498
It's disgusting.
181
00:05:45,533 --> 00:05:47,803
Hey, Cece, you know what's fly?
182
00:05:47,828 --> 00:05:50,100
- Love that hat.
- Cleaning's fly.
183
00:05:50,125 --> 00:05:51,889
Cleaning's cool, dude.
184
00:05:51,914 --> 00:05:54,006
Hey, everybody, I'm Cece Parekh.
185
00:05:54,042 --> 00:05:56,843
I got a bunch of hats,
but I never wear them,
186
00:05:56,878 --> 00:05:59,846
'cause I'm so busy throwing
them around, being fly.
187
00:06:00,125 --> 00:06:01,280
Clean up after...!
188
00:06:01,316 --> 00:06:02,421
Let's get her, Winston.
189
00:06:02,446 --> 00:06:04,116
- Am I right?
- Uh, you know...
190
00:06:04,152 --> 00:06:05,518
I think we should just remember
191
00:06:05,553 --> 00:06:08,354
that we all make... mistakes, um...
192
00:06:08,389 --> 00:06:09,789
Don't get soft on me right now.
193
00:06:09,824 --> 00:06:11,023
So keep-keep that in mind
194
00:06:11,059 --> 00:06:12,492
as we go forward with our day.
195
00:06:12,527 --> 00:06:13,926
-I'm hard to live with?
- NICK: Yeah.
196
00:06:13,962 --> 00:06:15,328
Because I got news for you...
197
00:06:15,353 --> 00:06:18,732
you are so much harder to live with.
198
00:06:18,757 --> 00:06:20,820
Hey, uh, guys, I-I feel like we're headed
199
00:06:20,845 --> 00:06:22,602
down a really unproductive path.
200
00:06:22,637 --> 00:06:24,203
I made tabbouleh. Who wants some?
201
00:06:24,239 --> 00:06:25,109
Yes. Love some.
202
00:06:25,134 --> 00:06:29,185
You tell the same story over and over.
203
00:06:29,210 --> 00:06:31,344
"I've got wet pants." We get it.
204
00:06:31,379 --> 00:06:32,896
Bottom of the glass fell clean off.
205
00:06:32,921 --> 00:06:34,007
It was a science miracle.
206
00:06:34,032 --> 00:06:36,115
No, the glass was hot, and the
ice made the glass contract,
207
00:06:36,150 --> 00:06:38,273
and that is why it broke;
not funny the first six times,
208
00:06:38,298 --> 00:06:40,709
and not funny now, 'cause,
guess what, Nick Miller...
209
00:06:40,734 --> 00:06:43,122
- not always funny.
- No...
210
00:06:43,157 --> 00:06:44,015
Whoa.
211
00:06:44,724 --> 00:06:47,185
He's... so funny. You're so funny.
212
00:06:47,210 --> 00:06:48,694
I'm... You don't have to hold
me back. There's not a problem.
213
00:06:48,730 --> 00:06:50,342
(chuckles) Say what you got to say.
214
00:06:50,367 --> 00:06:51,697
You want to say anything else, say it.
215
00:06:51,733 --> 00:06:53,232
- Not always funny.
- Say it to my face.
216
00:06:53,268 --> 00:06:55,055
- Not always funny.
- Say it again.
217
00:06:55,080 --> 00:06:57,203
- Not always funny.
- (whispering): Say it again.
218
00:06:57,238 --> 00:06:58,538
- Not always funny.
- Say it again.
219
00:06:58,573 --> 00:06:59,605
- Not always funny.
- Say it again.
220
00:06:59,641 --> 00:07:01,071
- Not always funny.
- Say it again.
221
00:07:01,096 --> 00:07:02,975
SCHMIDT: So why don't
we just sit down and...
222
00:07:03,011 --> 00:07:04,744
and talk this out like adults?
223
00:07:04,779 --> 00:07:06,979
I would love to, Schmidty,
but where will we sit?
224
00:07:07,015 --> 00:07:08,752
- Okay.
- Oh, perhaps we'll sit
225
00:07:08,777 --> 00:07:11,883
on this pile of uneaten carrots.
226
00:07:11,908 --> 00:07:13,586
It's like I'm living with Secretariat,
227
00:07:13,611 --> 00:07:14,524
the horse!
228
00:07:14,549 --> 00:07:16,355
(laughs) He's hilarious.
229
00:07:16,391 --> 00:07:19,289
- On the plus side, I'm being very witty during this fight!
- You know what, Nick?
230
00:07:19,314 --> 00:07:21,027
WOMAN: Number 24.
231
00:07:21,062 --> 00:07:22,728
Number 16.
232
00:07:22,764 --> 00:07:24,497
Yes! Sorry.
233
00:07:24,532 --> 00:07:25,932
I never win anything.
234
00:07:25,967 --> 00:07:28,401
- (phone ringing)
- Sorry. Uh, uh... oh.
235
00:07:28,436 --> 00:07:30,102
Dr. Foster, is everything okay?
236
00:07:30,138 --> 00:07:31,197
FOSTER: J.D.?
237
00:07:31,222 --> 00:07:32,322
It ain't.
238
00:07:32,373 --> 00:07:33,606
I decided I was gonna be
239
00:07:33,641 --> 00:07:35,675
Marcus the Meerkat, because, you know,
240
00:07:35,710 --> 00:07:38,917
you and I have remarkably
similar body shapes.
241
00:07:39,346 --> 00:07:40,141
Okay.
242
00:07:40,166 --> 00:07:41,247
Um, what's the problem?
243
00:07:41,282 --> 00:07:43,641
I fell and shattered my hip.
244
00:07:43,666 --> 00:07:45,860
Oh, God! I'm so sorry.
245
00:07:45,885 --> 00:07:46,907
How bad is it?
246
00:07:46,932 --> 00:07:49,455
The, uh, paramedic described my left leg
247
00:07:49,490 --> 00:07:52,425
as a skin bag full of
248
00:07:52,460 --> 00:07:53,960
hip shards?
249
00:07:53,995 --> 00:07:55,928
A skin... a skin bag full of hip shards.
250
00:07:55,964 --> 00:07:57,897
You're gonna have to take over my duties.
251
00:07:57,932 --> 00:08:01,219
We are talking about the big job:
252
00:08:01,244 --> 00:08:03,008
acting principal.
253
00:08:03,033 --> 00:08:03,469
Yes!
254
00:08:03,504 --> 00:08:04,819
I'd love to!
255
00:08:05,510 --> 00:08:08,641
Oh... but my number just got called.
256
00:08:08,676 --> 00:08:10,076
Well, that means
257
00:08:10,111 --> 00:08:11,477
the district's gonna be
258
00:08:11,512 --> 00:08:14,246
- bringing in Becky Cavatappi.
- Ugh!
259
00:08:14,282 --> 00:08:16,282
They've been pushing her for my job.
260
00:08:16,307 --> 00:08:17,416
She has fake zoomers.
261
00:08:17,441 --> 00:08:19,118
What kind of message does that send
262
00:08:19,143 --> 00:08:21,064
to girls with growing zoomers?
263
00:08:21,089 --> 00:08:23,322
I think she had her butt done, too.
264
00:08:23,358 --> 00:08:24,603
Every time she runs,
265
00:08:24,628 --> 00:08:27,352
that thing sounds like
an Indian rain stick.
266
00:08:27,377 --> 00:08:29,618
I really want to be principal, so, um...
267
00:08:29,643 --> 00:08:30,453
I'll be there.
268
00:08:30,478 --> 00:08:32,197
Uh, I'll just have to, uh...
269
00:08:33,353 --> 00:08:35,680
get out of jury duty.
270
00:08:35,705 --> 00:08:37,003
I'll talk to you soon!
271
00:08:37,038 --> 00:08:38,337
(shrieks in pain)
272
00:08:40,708 --> 00:08:43,107
Sorry. It's a tense situation.
273
00:08:43,924 --> 00:08:46,626
So who should I call next to tell my story?
274
00:08:46,651 --> 00:08:48,994
- I'm not cleaning till you get off the phone, Nicole.
- How about Patty's Pizza?
275
00:08:49,019 --> 00:08:51,731
Smooth it out, smooth it out.
276
00:08:51,756 --> 00:08:54,338
- (cracking sounds)
- Oh, boy.
277
00:08:54,510 --> 00:08:55,805
You are angry.
278
00:08:55,830 --> 00:08:57,192
(phone ringing)
279
00:08:59,486 --> 00:09:01,133
Winston, I need your help...
280
00:09:01,510 --> 00:09:02,821
(whispering): getting out of jury duty
281
00:09:02,846 --> 00:09:03,985
Jessica damn Day!
282
00:09:04,010 --> 00:09:06,188
- I know, I'm a terrible person.
- Put Nick on the phone.
283
00:09:06,213 --> 00:09:06,955
No can do, J.
284
00:09:06,971 --> 00:09:08,618
He and Cece are in it.
285
00:09:08,643 --> 00:09:09,672
(indistinct shouting)
286
00:09:09,707 --> 00:09:11,774
What? I told him not to talk to her.
287
00:09:11,799 --> 00:09:13,766
How bad is it? Is Nick
standing really wide-legged?
288
00:09:13,801 --> 00:09:15,063
Is Cece calling him
289
00:09:15,088 --> 00:09:16,135
mean girl names?
290
00:09:16,170 --> 00:09:17,299
Don't call me Nicole!
291
00:09:17,324 --> 00:09:19,469
Okay, Nick-hole!
292
00:09:19,494 --> 00:09:20,973
Yeah. That's happening.
293
00:09:21,008 --> 00:09:22,241
- Kids, huh?
- Yeah.
294
00:09:23,144 --> 00:09:24,924
Is that Jess? Jess.
295
00:09:24,949 --> 00:09:25,775
It's awful.
296
00:09:25,800 --> 00:09:27,471
I don't know what to do. I'm sure Cece
297
00:09:27,496 --> 00:09:29,081
has her flaws, but I just can't see them.
298
00:09:29,117 --> 00:09:30,846
And even if I could, what would I do?
299
00:09:30,870 --> 00:09:32,737
How does a man stand up to the sunset?
300
00:09:32,772 --> 00:09:35,172
Cece and Nick are
basically the same person.
301
00:09:35,208 --> 00:09:36,774
Both stubborn, hotheaded
302
00:09:36,809 --> 00:09:37,846
and brutally honest.
303
00:09:37,871 --> 00:09:39,284
Oh, dear Lord.
304
00:09:39,779 --> 00:09:41,679
- I'm marrying Nick.
- Duh.
305
00:09:41,714 --> 00:09:43,347
Aw. I kind of love that.
306
00:09:43,383 --> 00:09:44,782
All right, what should we do?
307
00:09:44,817 --> 00:09:46,050
Can't go to Cece's apartment.
308
00:09:46,085 --> 00:09:47,685
Nadia's baby is teething.
309
00:09:47,720 --> 00:09:49,387
Have you ever heard a Russian child scream?
310
00:09:49,422 --> 00:09:51,222
All the time, in my Putin nightmare.
311
00:09:51,257 --> 00:09:53,724
Look, get Cece to sign the loftgreement.
312
00:09:53,760 --> 00:09:55,560
Nick wrote it, so he'll like that.
313
00:09:55,595 --> 00:09:57,695
They'll both play hardball
till they get bored,
314
00:09:57,730 --> 00:09:59,063
which will be immediately.
315
00:09:59,098 --> 00:10:00,143
That's good.
316
00:10:00,455 --> 00:10:02,900
- You've impressed me today.
- Oh, wait, wait. Is that Jess?
317
00:10:02,936 --> 00:10:04,869
- Hey, hey. Give me the phone.
- All right.
318
00:10:04,904 --> 00:10:06,971
- Hey, Jess, Nick-hole here...
-What?
319
00:10:07,006 --> 00:10:08,873
Stop calling me Nicole! I'm a boy!
320
00:10:08,908 --> 00:10:09,822
CECE: Nick is calling everyone he knows
321
00:10:09,847 --> 00:10:10,893
to tell them this dumb story.
322
00:10:10,909 --> 00:10:13,516
Hello, your friend is a pig person.
323
00:10:13,541 --> 00:10:14,506
Guys, stop.
324
00:10:14,542 --> 00:10:15,471
Hey, Chaz, I'm on the other line.
325
00:10:15,496 --> 00:10:17,329
You're not gonna believe
what happens to this glass.
326
00:10:17,354 --> 00:10:19,345
- It's an incredible story; you're gonna freak out.
- Please stop.
327
00:10:19,370 --> 00:10:20,736
- I'll talk to you soon.
- JESS: Put me on speaker.
328
00:10:20,771 --> 00:10:22,004
Hold on.
329
00:10:22,039 --> 00:10:23,072
Button's right there.
330
00:10:23,107 --> 00:10:24,540
I know which button it is.
331
00:10:28,212 --> 00:10:29,353
Now, what I'm about to say
332
00:10:29,378 --> 00:10:30,650
might shock you,
333
00:10:30,675 --> 00:10:33,157
but I need help getting out of jury duty.
334
00:10:33,182 --> 00:10:34,619
- Oh-ho-ho!
- Well, well, well...
335
00:10:34,644 --> 00:10:36,713
Look, I have the chance
to be acting principal.
336
00:10:36,738 --> 00:10:39,274
You don't know Becky
Cavatappi, but she's a murderer.
337
00:10:39,299 --> 00:10:40,299
What?
338
00:10:40,697 --> 00:10:42,086
She-she's not a murderer,
339
00:10:42,111 --> 00:10:44,293
but I... I really don't like her.
340
00:10:44,329 --> 00:10:46,362
You can't just be going around
throwing "murderer" on people.
341
00:10:46,397 --> 00:10:48,197
Guys, I need to go in
right now. What do I do?
342
00:10:48,232 --> 00:10:50,860
Whatever the trial's about,
I say I don't believe in it.
343
00:10:50,885 --> 00:10:52,469
Just tell them that your
parents are Pakistani militants.
344
00:10:52,494 --> 00:10:53,569
- That's what I do; works every time.
- Yeah.
345
00:10:53,604 --> 00:10:55,204
Why'd you have an accent
when you said "Pakistani"?
346
00:10:55,239 --> 00:10:56,972
Because that's actually how
you pronounce it. "Pakazani"?
347
00:10:57,008 --> 00:10:58,641
It's great seeing you guys work together.
348
00:10:58,676 --> 00:10:59,575
You said it stupid.
349
00:10:59,610 --> 00:11:00,976
I don't really want to lie.
350
00:11:01,012 --> 00:11:02,311
It's kind of not really my brand.
351
00:11:02,347 --> 00:11:03,746
You'll never see any of these people again.
352
00:11:03,781 --> 00:11:05,981
There are no consequences.
Okay. Uh, I gotta go.
353
00:11:06,017 --> 00:11:08,360
Just remember you're a garbage person
354
00:11:08,385 --> 00:11:09,819
and you hate America.
355
00:11:09,854 --> 00:11:12,555
I'm a garbage person who hates America.
356
00:11:15,127 --> 00:11:17,711
WOMAN: Do you solemnly
swear to tell the truth,
357
00:11:17,736 --> 00:11:19,028
the whole truth
358
00:11:19,063 --> 00:11:21,731
and nothing but the truth, so help me God?
359
00:11:21,766 --> 00:11:23,666
The whole truth and nothing but the truth,
360
00:11:23,701 --> 00:11:25,185
so help me Gob.
361
00:11:27,405 --> 00:11:29,438
Did... did you just say "Gob"?
362
00:11:33,736 --> 00:11:35,211
Did you say "Gob"?
363
00:11:35,246 --> 00:11:36,930
- What?
- Yeah, she said "Gob."
364
00:11:36,955 --> 00:11:38,280
Whose side are you on?
365
00:11:38,316 --> 00:11:39,463
Justice.
366
00:11:39,951 --> 00:11:40,983
367
00:11:42,463 --> 00:11:45,735
DANIEL: This question is for
potential juror number 16.
368
00:11:47,213 --> 00:11:48,977
This case involves marriage.
369
00:11:49,002 --> 00:11:51,188
I don't believe in marriage.
370
00:11:53,362 --> 00:11:55,393
Excuse me, you don't believe in marriage?
371
00:11:55,798 --> 00:11:57,174
As a concept?
372
00:11:57,199 --> 00:12:01,068
Well, you know, you gotta
keep the freeway open.
373
00:12:01,303 --> 00:12:02,764
Uh, 'cause...
374
00:12:03,372 --> 00:12:05,205
sooner or later, you're gonna get tired
375
00:12:05,240 --> 00:12:08,442
of the same cars driving down it.
376
00:12:08,721 --> 00:12:09,728
Capiche?
377
00:12:10,369 --> 00:12:11,307
Yes, capiche.
378
00:12:11,332 --> 00:12:13,708
The two things that
are ruining this country
379
00:12:13,733 --> 00:12:15,366
are marriage and democracy.
380
00:12:15,401 --> 00:12:16,643
How refreshing.
381
00:12:17,268 --> 00:12:20,032
Another person who wants
to get out of jury duty.
382
00:12:20,057 --> 00:12:22,418
I thought some people took this seriously,
383
00:12:22,443 --> 00:12:23,576
but apparently not.
384
00:12:23,705 --> 00:12:25,109
Trial by jury
385
00:12:25,144 --> 00:12:27,311
is a pillar of our democracy,
386
00:12:27,346 --> 00:12:29,713
and yes, it is inconvenient.
387
00:12:29,749 --> 00:12:32,116
But sometimes, sacrifice
388
00:12:32,151 --> 00:12:34,446
and civic duty are.
389
00:12:34,471 --> 00:12:37,235
You don't deserve the honor
of serving your country.
390
00:12:37,260 --> 00:12:38,766
Maybe you should live in South Africa,
391
00:12:38,791 --> 00:12:39,697
where they don't have juries.
392
00:12:39,722 --> 00:12:40,518
I know, I know!
393
00:12:40,549 --> 00:12:42,082
They have a judge and two assessors.
394
00:12:42,117 --> 00:12:44,157
Look, I'm-I'm so sorry.
395
00:12:44,182 --> 00:12:45,391
I didn't mean all that other stuff.
396
00:12:45,416 --> 00:12:46,595
I'd be a great juror.
397
00:12:46,620 --> 00:12:48,119
If you put me on this jury,
398
00:12:48,154 --> 00:12:49,687
you will not regret it.
399
00:12:53,291 --> 00:12:55,126
That was an emotional moment,
400
00:12:55,161 --> 00:12:58,403
and I feel it would be
best punctuated with a...
401
00:12:59,533 --> 00:13:01,308
crash of that thing.
402
00:13:01,333 --> 00:13:02,132
Nah.
403
00:13:02,869 --> 00:13:04,435
404
00:13:04,877 --> 00:13:06,204
The roommate loft agreement
405
00:13:06,239 --> 00:13:08,766
was formed in the year of our Lord 2005.
406
00:13:08,791 --> 00:13:09,674
Hurricane Katrina
407
00:13:09,699 --> 00:13:11,361
had just decimated the American South,
408
00:13:11,386 --> 00:13:14,412
but we here, in Loft 4D,
409
00:13:14,447 --> 00:13:17,735
had gone through, well,
perhaps in many ways
410
00:13:17,760 --> 00:13:19,083
a more horrifying Katrina.
411
00:13:19,119 --> 00:13:20,618
- You can't say that.
- Can't say that.
412
00:13:20,654 --> 00:13:24,125
A kitchen condom disposal clause?
413
00:13:24,150 --> 00:13:25,957
That is not a relevant clause.
414
00:13:25,992 --> 00:13:27,592
Not relevant? I almost died.
415
00:13:28,728 --> 00:13:29,869
Ugh.
416
00:13:30,730 --> 00:13:32,463
- Winston!
- Yeah?
417
00:13:32,499 --> 00:13:34,766
Stop having sex in the sink!
418
00:13:34,801 --> 00:13:35,948
Okay.
419
00:13:36,369 --> 00:13:38,463
First clause: "If a roommate has
420
00:13:38,488 --> 00:13:40,271
"five or more grooming
products in the bathroom,
421
00:13:40,307 --> 00:13:41,650
"they must use a shower caddy
422
00:13:41,675 --> 00:13:43,875
"or pay an additional ten dollars in rent,
423
00:13:43,910 --> 00:13:46,277
adjusted every two years for inflation."
424
00:13:46,313 --> 00:13:49,781
I currently pay an
additional $11.97 in rent.
425
00:13:49,816 --> 00:13:51,749
Okay, yeah, well, I'm
not using a shower caddy,
426
00:13:51,785 --> 00:13:54,352
because I'm an adult woman
and I don't live in a dorm.
427
00:13:54,387 --> 00:13:55,687
Have you been to a dorm recently?
428
00:13:55,722 --> 00:13:56,635
It's like a spa.
429
00:13:56,660 --> 00:13:58,455
Those horny texters live like kings.
430
00:13:58,480 --> 00:14:00,625
Nick is really damaging this negotiation.
431
00:14:00,660 --> 00:14:02,391
Hey, speaking of damages,
432
00:14:02,416 --> 00:14:04,305
you know, what if we all pitched in
433
00:14:04,330 --> 00:14:06,219
to fix loft damages?
434
00:14:06,244 --> 00:14:08,072
I don't know, let's say...
435
00:14:08,088 --> 00:14:09,986
Nick broke something, like a wall.
436
00:14:09,995 --> 00:14:11,461
I'll fix it. I can fix anything.
437
00:14:11,497 --> 00:14:12,635
Yeah, not according to
438
00:14:12,660 --> 00:14:14,993
the "Nick can't do electrical work" clause.
439
00:14:15,018 --> 00:14:16,667
No, no, don't touch him!
He's electric, he's electric!
440
00:14:18,799 --> 00:14:19,713
Hot!
441
00:14:22,948 --> 00:14:24,314
Cece, you're the love of my life,
442
00:14:24,349 --> 00:14:26,149
but I-I kindly ask that
you don't read ahead.
443
00:14:26,174 --> 00:14:26,947
CECE: Okay, fine.
444
00:14:26,972 --> 00:14:28,951
I'll use a shower caddy, okay?
445
00:14:28,986 --> 00:14:30,744
And now that I've agreed to my thing,
446
00:14:30,769 --> 00:14:33,268
can we just agree that
Nick can limit his stories?
447
00:14:33,293 --> 00:14:34,174
You trying to take away
448
00:14:34,199 --> 00:14:35,900
my constitutional right to be hilarious?
449
00:14:35,925 --> 00:14:37,224
Fine. I won't use a shower caddy.
450
00:14:38,629 --> 00:14:40,730
Use the caddy, I'll be less chatty.
451
00:14:41,766 --> 00:14:42,861
It's hilarious.
452
00:14:42,886 --> 00:14:45,078
It's undeniably hilarious
that I just said that.
453
00:14:45,103 --> 00:14:46,969
- Do you hear yourself?
- Great, we're in agreement.
454
00:14:47,004 --> 00:14:48,893
Now just sign here, and
we'll give you a key.
455
00:14:48,918 --> 00:14:50,916
Give her a key? (scoffs)
456
00:14:51,124 --> 00:14:52,256
I'm a little confused.
457
00:14:52,268 --> 00:14:53,701
Is that really necessary?
458
00:14:53,737 --> 00:14:56,437
It's like giving a
squirrel a key to the park.
459
00:14:56,760 --> 00:14:58,373
The park is always open, and the squirrel
460
00:14:58,408 --> 00:15:00,007
is there with rabbit,
461
00:15:00,043 --> 00:15:02,485
and squirrel and rabbit
are there all the time.
462
00:15:02,510 --> 00:15:05,079
So does squirrel need key?
463
00:15:05,115 --> 00:15:07,014
What is happening? You're
dropping all your articles.
464
00:15:07,050 --> 00:15:08,950
- I not!
- Now you're losing verbs!
465
00:15:08,985 --> 00:15:10,685
So, are the squirrel and the
rabbit... they're friends?
466
00:15:10,720 --> 00:15:12,053
Hey, babe, do not get concerned.
467
00:15:12,088 --> 00:15:13,688
He's probably just tired or hungry,
468
00:15:13,723 --> 00:15:15,189
or getting jealous that I'm spending
469
00:15:15,225 --> 00:15:17,525
so much time with his best friend.
470
00:15:17,994 --> 00:15:20,528
As a matter of fact, I
am tired, and I am hungry,
471
00:15:20,563 --> 00:15:23,339
but the third thing is way off base.
472
00:15:23,633 --> 00:15:26,100
- If you weren't a girl,
- Uh-huh?
473
00:15:26,136 --> 00:15:28,269
- I'd karate chop you in the mouth.
- You would get winded
474
00:15:28,304 --> 00:15:31,105
just trying to ball
your fist up, dough-boy.
475
00:15:31,141 --> 00:15:32,707
Well, good thing you don't
need a fist for a karate chop,
476
00:15:32,742 --> 00:15:34,942
- you stupid idiot.
- You are such a door knob.
477
00:15:34,978 --> 00:15:36,711
And if I wanted to karate
chop you, you'd be dead!
478
00:15:36,746 --> 00:15:37,745
(laughs) Look at her flinch.
479
00:15:37,781 --> 00:15:38,880
- This is good.
- So scared.
480
00:15:38,915 --> 00:15:39,981
Shakey-shakey.
481
00:15:40,016 --> 00:15:41,149
I literally have not moved.
482
00:15:41,184 --> 00:15:43,317
I'm so not worried about you.
483
00:15:43,791 --> 00:15:46,225
(panting)
484
00:15:48,080 --> 00:15:49,290
You want to go take a nap now?
485
00:15:49,325 --> 00:15:51,586
Stop! I can't listen to the two people
486
00:15:51,611 --> 00:15:53,913
I love most in this world fight like this.
487
00:15:54,864 --> 00:15:55,930
Sorry, Winston.
488
00:15:55,965 --> 00:15:58,133
Huh? What'd he say?
489
00:15:59,268 --> 00:16:00,435
(door slams)
490
00:16:00,470 --> 00:16:01,636
(thud)
491
00:16:05,275 --> 00:16:07,308
Oh, no.
492
00:16:10,502 --> 00:16:13,614
Schmidt, what did you do?
493
00:16:14,884 --> 00:16:15,983
So, you are all
494
00:16:16,019 --> 00:16:17,518
serving on this jury.
495
00:16:19,603 --> 00:16:21,189
This is a capital case
496
00:16:21,224 --> 00:16:23,167
and will last upwards of a month,
497
00:16:23,192 --> 00:16:24,792
and due to media exposure,
498
00:16:24,828 --> 00:16:27,161
you will have to be sequestered.
499
00:16:27,197 --> 00:16:29,993
So go home, pack a bag,
500
00:16:30,018 --> 00:16:31,183
do not e-mail me.
501
00:16:31,208 --> 00:16:32,784
The answer is yes.
502
00:16:33,102 --> 00:16:35,454
Your hotel does have a pool,
503
00:16:35,872 --> 00:16:40,108
but is otherwise aggressively mediocre.
504
00:16:42,245 --> 00:16:43,678
There, I banged the thing.
505
00:16:46,880 --> 00:16:48,067
Okay.
506
00:16:49,435 --> 00:16:50,567
I need a stapler.
507
00:16:51,059 --> 00:16:52,239
You stay.
508
00:16:54,864 --> 00:16:55,667
Hey.
509
00:16:55,692 --> 00:16:56,907
Hey.
510
00:16:56,943 --> 00:16:58,442
So here we are.
511
00:17:01,005 --> 00:17:02,365
All right, Nick, I'll sign it.
512
00:17:02,610 --> 00:17:04,074
I don't want to hurt Schmidt,
513
00:17:04,099 --> 00:17:05,331
and right now, he's probably just
514
00:17:05,356 --> 00:17:07,167
crying his eyes out at the...
515
00:17:07,192 --> 00:17:08,036
BOTH: Denim bar.
516
00:17:08,071 --> 00:17:10,472
(crying)
517
00:17:11,005 --> 00:17:12,240
I really appreciate you keeping
518
00:17:12,276 --> 00:17:13,872
the store open for me late, Maurice.
519
00:17:14,811 --> 00:17:16,478
That denim bar is like his temple.
520
00:17:16,513 --> 00:17:18,980
He legitimately wants
us to get married there.
521
00:17:19,016 --> 00:17:20,382
- At a denim bar?
- Yeah.
522
00:17:20,417 --> 00:17:22,184
Look, Schmidt and I are not gonna work
523
00:17:22,219 --> 00:17:23,752
if you and I can't get along.
524
00:17:23,787 --> 00:17:24,886
Because...
525
00:17:25,192 --> 00:17:26,922
you're Schmidt's family.
526
00:17:26,957 --> 00:17:28,089
In a way,
527
00:17:28,125 --> 00:17:29,457
it's like we're engaged.
528
00:17:29,493 --> 00:17:30,492
You're not my type.
529
00:17:31,075 --> 00:17:33,011
I like them crazier and...
530
00:17:33,036 --> 00:17:34,736
and sexually very prude.
531
00:17:35,130 --> 00:17:36,798
- Oh.
- You just don't fit the bill.
532
00:17:36,981 --> 00:17:38,733
Look, you don't have to sign this thing.
533
00:17:39,349 --> 00:17:40,802
It's stupid.
534
00:17:40,837 --> 00:17:42,270
The last page is just
535
00:17:42,306 --> 00:17:44,724
obscene drawings of cartoon princesses.
536
00:17:44,749 --> 00:17:46,325
I saw them; you're very talented.
537
00:17:46,341 --> 00:17:47,840
Thanks. What they're doing is disgusting,
538
00:17:47,876 --> 00:17:49,342
but I think the drawings are nice.
539
00:17:49,377 --> 00:17:50,739
- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah.
540
00:17:51,700 --> 00:17:53,197
Look, if I'm being honest,
541
00:17:54,442 --> 00:17:57,383
yeah, I feel a little jealous.
542
00:17:58,192 --> 00:17:59,585
You know, Schmidt and I used to hang out
543
00:17:59,621 --> 00:18:01,521
all the time, and now we don't,
544
00:18:02,224 --> 00:18:03,294
and it's weird.
545
00:18:03,513 --> 00:18:05,758
I mean, to be honest,
I think I was a little...
546
00:18:05,794 --> 00:18:06,926
jealous, too.
547
00:18:06,962 --> 00:18:08,828
- Of me?
- In a way,
548
00:18:09,255 --> 00:18:11,464
you're always gonna know him
a little bit better than me.
549
00:18:13,583 --> 00:18:15,735
- Except physically.
- You'd be surprised.
550
00:18:18,450 --> 00:18:19,559
Hey.
551
00:18:19,638 --> 00:18:21,699
Schmidt, relax.
552
00:18:21,724 --> 00:18:22,730
- We're good.
- Yeah.
553
00:18:22,755 --> 00:18:24,844
- We talked, and everything's okay.
- Yeah.
554
00:18:26,114 --> 00:18:27,363
- Thank God.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
555
00:18:27,388 --> 00:18:28,881
- Hey, easy, all right. Okay.
- Okay, there he is.
556
00:18:29,841 --> 00:18:30,687
Everybody's...
557
00:18:30,712 --> 00:18:32,445
Whoa, mother, I'm right here.
558
00:18:33,849 --> 00:18:34,886
Hey.
559
00:18:35,771 --> 00:18:36,804
Are you hugging them
560
00:18:36,839 --> 00:18:37,872
while they're making out?
561
00:18:37,907 --> 00:18:39,240
Yes, uh, that is weird.
562
00:18:39,275 --> 00:18:41,041
Thank you for saying
that. Please let go of me.
563
00:18:41,077 --> 00:18:42,776
I'm not interested in this. Let go of me.
564
00:18:43,443 --> 00:18:44,775
Did that wall fall down?
565
00:18:44,811 --> 00:18:46,177
Just please don't leave again.
566
00:18:46,630 --> 00:18:48,746
Yeah, about that.
567
00:18:50,224 --> 00:18:52,995
Well... this is it.
568
00:18:53,020 --> 00:18:53,885
Since you won't be able
569
00:18:53,920 --> 00:18:55,019
to contact me for a month,
570
00:18:55,054 --> 00:18:56,683
I've left a complementary bowl
571
00:18:56,708 --> 00:18:59,136
of advice. For instance, um,
572
00:18:59,434 --> 00:19:01,025
"Nick, stop doing that."
573
00:19:01,388 --> 00:19:03,461
(chuckles) Just applies to everything.
574
00:19:03,496 --> 00:19:04,862
That's what's up. That's what's up.
575
00:19:04,898 --> 00:19:06,063
E'r'day, e'r'day.
576
00:19:06,099 --> 00:19:07,554
Nick, stop doing that.
577
00:19:07,579 --> 00:19:08,745
NICK: That's what's up.
578
00:19:10,091 --> 00:19:11,035
(sighs)
579
00:19:11,070 --> 00:19:12,638
It's gonna be a long month.
I'm gonna pace myself.
580
00:19:12,663 --> 00:19:13,938
I'm gonna miss you.
581
00:19:13,973 --> 00:19:15,706
(laughs)
582
00:19:16,083 --> 00:19:17,208
Don't worry.
583
00:19:17,243 --> 00:19:18,609
I'm gonna keep them in line for you.
584
00:19:18,645 --> 00:19:19,833
No, you can't hit them.
585
00:19:19,858 --> 00:19:21,546
Even if it's for their benefit?
586
00:19:21,581 --> 00:19:22,958
- Yeah.
- Okay.
587
00:19:22,983 --> 00:19:24,289
I got you a little something.
588
00:19:24,984 --> 00:19:26,291
It's just to trade with.
589
00:19:26,786 --> 00:19:28,386
It's currency in there. I don't know.
590
00:19:28,421 --> 00:19:30,527
Oh, that's so sweet, Nick.
591
00:19:30,552 --> 00:19:33,324
Um, but you know I'm not
going to prison, right?
592
00:19:33,359 --> 00:19:35,159
As long as you're free right
here, you're never in prison.
593
00:19:35,195 --> 00:19:36,460
I bought you this burner
594
00:19:36,496 --> 00:19:38,386
from an unmarked storefront in Koreatown.
595
00:19:38,411 --> 00:19:39,430
I believe it's small enough
596
00:19:39,465 --> 00:19:40,831
to conceal in the waistband
of your underpants.
597
00:19:40,867 --> 00:19:42,099
Oh, thank you, but...
598
00:19:42,135 --> 00:19:43,925
It's four walls. They
can't hold you, though.
599
00:19:43,950 --> 00:19:45,102
Make friends with big ladies.
600
00:19:45,138 --> 00:19:46,137
Keep your head up.
601
00:19:46,172 --> 00:19:47,638
(chuckles) Okay.
602
00:19:47,674 --> 00:19:49,640
Make sure to put, uh, toilet
tissue down on the toilet seat.
603
00:19:49,676 --> 00:19:50,794
- Never sleep.
- Thanks.
604
00:19:50,819 --> 00:19:53,087
Make your toothbrush into a
shiv. Everything's a weapon.
605
00:19:53,112 --> 00:19:56,080
See, hate put you in there,
but love gonna bust you out.
606
00:19:56,115 --> 00:19:58,049
Don't be afraid to put two
layers of toilet tissue down.
607
00:20:10,797 --> 00:20:12,029
(laughter) SCHMIDT: Let's do it.
608
00:20:12,065 --> 00:20:14,165
Let's get into this
and see what sage wisdom
609
00:20:14,200 --> 00:20:15,633
Jess has for us.
610
00:20:15,668 --> 00:20:16,701
"No biting."
611
00:20:16,736 --> 00:20:17,735
That's a reminder for me.
612
00:20:17,770 --> 00:20:18,736
- Mm-hmm.
- Wow.
613
00:20:18,771 --> 00:20:20,536
Ew, "No more poop pranks"?
614
00:20:20,561 --> 00:20:22,184
Oh, yeah, those get out of hand quickly.
615
00:20:22,193 --> 00:20:23,759
That was a disgusting February.
616
00:20:23,794 --> 00:20:27,324
"If the shish kebob falls
before I come back, Nick wins.
617
00:20:27,349 --> 00:20:29,269
If it falls after, Schmidt wins"?
618
00:20:29,294 --> 00:20:30,894
- Hi-ya!
- Is that... Oh.
619
00:20:30,919 --> 00:20:32,370
(laughter)
620
00:20:32,395 --> 00:20:34,597
Check it out, shish
kebob. Check it out, yeah.
621
00:20:34,622 --> 00:20:35,513
That's super gross.
622
00:20:35,521 --> 00:20:38,159
"Schmidt's allowed to
request that you do his back
623
00:20:38,184 --> 00:20:40,464
with sunscreen once a week."
624
00:20:40,489 --> 00:20:41,992
Actually, can someone do that now?
625
00:20:42,027 --> 00:20:43,067
It's nighttime.
626
00:20:43,092 --> 00:20:44,364
"Boys' shorts should at most
627
00:20:44,389 --> 00:20:47,527
rise six inches above the knee."
628
00:20:47,552 --> 00:20:49,574
- Yeah, but where does the knee begin?
- Right... here.
629
00:20:49,599 --> 00:20:51,714
You know, she never specifies
where the knee should begin.
630
00:20:51,739 --> 00:20:52,745
That's your knee, okay?
631
00:20:52,770 --> 00:20:53,871
- This is the knee?
- Yes. - Yes.
632
00:20:53,906 --> 00:20:56,006
- "Stop harassing Beck."
- Absolutely not.
633
00:20:56,041 --> 00:20:57,207
He cut you off on the freeway.
634
00:20:57,243 --> 00:20:58,442
- That's for you?
- Yeah.
635
00:20:58,477 --> 00:21:00,244
CECE: Yeah, makes sense.
636
00:21:00,269 --> 00:21:02,638
"Tell Schmidt not to
sing 'Rent' in the shower.
637
00:21:02,663 --> 00:21:03,870
We're in a drought."
638
00:21:03,895 --> 00:21:07,956
Five thousand, 2,500, 600 minutes
639
00:21:07,981 --> 00:21:09,620
- Okay.
- WINSTON: Those aren't the words.
640
00:21:09,655 --> 00:21:10,954
"Stop reading this
641
00:21:10,990 --> 00:21:13,855
within the first three
hours of my absence."
642
00:21:13,880 --> 00:21:15,564
- Whoa.
- Holy mackerel.
643
00:21:15,589 --> 00:21:16,955
How did she know?
644
00:21:18,053 --> 00:21:20,817
"Because I know everything."
645
00:21:21,356 --> 00:21:23,451
- That's super scary, right?
- Is she still here?
646
00:21:23,476 --> 00:21:24,909
(laughs) I'm just messing with you.
647
00:21:24,944 --> 00:21:26,292
It says "Smile more."
648
00:21:26,316 --> 00:21:27,239
Oh, that's...
649
00:21:27,264 --> 00:21:28,481
- Oh
- Yes!
650
00:21:28,505 --> 00:21:29,661
- Damn it.
- Yes!
651
00:21:30,778 --> 00:21:32,778
You're my slave for 17 days.
652
00:21:32,802 --> 00:21:34,464
Synced and corrected by Chitorafa
www.addic7ed.com
653
00:21:34,514 --> 00:21:39,064
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